Continuing with our two-part blog post on the different strategies people employ to support change, this month’s entry reflects the voice of some of our clients who have generously shared their ideas below:
Dom: “When I am planning anything I am always trying to save myself energy and to plan anything I need to be energetic for. The first person I always go to is Marc. He is my best starting point. Then I go to Gary and then my parents. Marc is impartial, independent, and my friend. He wants to help out – he is my housemate and nearest carer. Gary (my paid carer), by contrast, is efficient and organised! All the things Marc isn’t. Asking Gary is like asking my Dad for something, but without the judgmental nature of my Dad! Plus I pay Gary and so I can expect the job to be complete and not forget stuff. My parents are like my safety net – the last line of defense.”
Here Dom identifies the importance of the initial planning process when contemplating change, as well as considering the personal demands the change involves – including the emotional and physical energy engaging in something new can take. He highlights the value of knowing who he can turn to for what when looking for support as different people bring a unique set of qualities and skills and are, therefore, more naturally suited to helping in some situations more than others. Finally, Dom signals that family are not always the first port of call and that being willing to pay for help can usefully bring consistency and reliability.
Tony: “With something I want to do that I am motivated about I rely on myself mainly. But with things I know I should do like going to the gym I need others to help motivate me. To get to the gym, Jane (my wife) keeps on at me and gives me a push! Knowing that it’s going to do me some good and make me feel better when I have done it also helps to get me there!”
Tony emphasises the importance of personal meaning and engagement when trying out something new. He also reflects on the significance of recruiting support from others for desirable but less intrinsically motivating activities. Finally, drawing on past experience to identify a sense of future achievement is highlighted as a helpful means of self-motivation.
Cara: “It’s useful for me to set goals for myself, both short- and long-term when trying to make a change. Having something tangible to work towards keeps me focused and moving forward. Encouragement from other people – family, friends, or people inside therapy – gives me the strength to push myself and try new things. I’m very inspired by other people who stammer and their stories. When I see someone living their life in a way that I thought was impossible, it motivates me to change.”
Here Cara foregrounds the value of structure and a clear idea of what she is working towards from the outset, which she achieves by breaking bigger aspirations down into smaller, more manageable steps. She identifies recruiting the support and encouragement of others as a valuable means of promoting a more experimental attitude to change and fostering greater risk-taking. Cara also cites the importance of meeting others with similar experiences for inspiration and the re-definition of what is possible.
Walter: “My current approach to ‘new growth’ is to be tough with myself in taking on new challenges in which my stammer is likely be “an issue’ – especially at work (e.g. chairing meetings, talking in senior meetings) – having decided that I am happy to present myself as someone with a speech problem. It would otherwise be all to easy to spend the rest of my life internally using my speech as an excuse for not doing things, while externally trying to present myself as fluent – that if anything would cramp new growth. The other important new developmental thing I have taken on is to be proud to talk about my stammer and how I handle it – it is, after all, an extremely tough course on which to find oneself, much like SAS selection in psychological terms, and, as a person who stammers, I am proud of how I am surviving it and keen to project my pride in that survival.”
Walter signposts the importance of courage and being willing to challenge himself to take risks and step outside of his comfort zone. He highlights the value of working hierarchically as a means of doing this. Walter also advocates being more honest and genuine with people rather than attempting to hide any communication difficulties from them. Being aware of the short- and long-term costs of not making the change is also cited as self-motivating. Finally, Walter highlights the value of developing a kinder and more compassionate understanding of the day-to-day challenges of living with a communication disability, reframing openness and a willingness to share his personal experience of stammering as an act of pride and personal achievement.
I thank everyone who has contributed to this two-part blog post for their time, self-scrutiny and insight, and hope that their diverse examples inspire you to consider the ways in which you support your own change process – and to even contemplate trying out something new.
Sam